Hold on
by beauxfleur
Summary: Pepper waits. And reflects. Post IW.
1. Chapter 1

A/N;- As Tony Stark says, "Oh, it's good to be back!" (to the fandom.). This story is hopefully multi chapter, based on Pepper and the other Avengers anguish over Tony's absence, and I wanted to explore what life would be like after Infinity War from the perspective of someone who didn't go through the whole thing of how it exactly happened. A normal survivor's point of view. Enjoy. Please leave reviews!

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Pepper is a wreck. There's not much her body allows her to do besides bawling and working furiously, although most of her work includes finding out the health status of everyone she's ever heard of or known. She's already tried screaming and letting her pain out in a healthy way at inanimate objects, like You and Dummy, which makes her feel guilty because they don't feel too inanimate, and its then that Pepper realises just how far she's really thrown herself into Tony's lifestyle. So she can't yell at the bots, and she would yell at Fury, but he, according to a few agents she ran into at the HQ of SHIELD, is now a pile of dust, along with Hill. She didn't really care too much for the Director and his flippant and secret attitude, but polite as she is, she still offers her sympathy in the form of a tight smile, which quickly fades when she's found out that Steve, Natasha, Bruce, even Thor are all present and accounted for. It feels unfair that a God is safe and sound on earth while Tony is stranded in the galaxy, or maybe even-no, she's not going to that place, she decides. Hill however, was a charming woman, one she'd shared many coffees with, and even once taken shopping. They'd bonded over a mutual exasperation for the men who just can't get anything done with their gigantic egos colliding. They'd even reached the point where she'd gotten the agent to bashfully admit she had a bit of a crush on Steve. A tear slips down her cheek. Pepper just has that aura about her, she can get anyone to spill their deepest secrets. Maria had fondly told her she'd do great as an interrogator. It amazes her how she can cry for Maria but not for Tony.

She sits in the drawing room of the HQ, fingers rattling across the keyboard of her laptop, emailing every higher power she knows to find out their status. She keeps a notepad next to her, a list of people's names. Next to it so far, _deceased,_ is written seven times, the secretary coming every now and then to check on her. Pepper uses her air of authority to her advantage, as well as her heels, towering over her the third time she comes in with a cup of coffee, demanding to see the highest in charge. The poor woman, hands shivering, Pepper notices, tells her in a shaky voice that she doesn't know, since most of them are dead. It's marvellously terrifying, what this creature can do, she thinks, what he's done. Pepper's own distant relatives were safe, as far as she knows, from a quick call or two, but to her knowledge, almost half the population has been wiped out. It's sickeningly familiar to Hitler's ideals. It's genocide. So many people dead, all because a mad titan had the stupidest idea ever, but the power and mental instability to carry it out. The thought doesn't even want to stay in her body, forcing its way out as Pepper queasily makes her way to the closest bathroom and wretches her guts out. Tears of frustration begin to bubble again as she rests her head on the cool porcelain. She's been here for almost a day, and she's gotten zip out of anybody. She can't seem to get ahold of Natasha or anyone else, and no one seems to know anything.

She lifts her body up and takes a deep breath, crinkling her nose at the smell. She digs around her jacket pocket, finding a box of mints she always keeps on hand. She pops one in her mouth and steels herself as she walks out. She makes up her mind to go visit Rhodey at the hospice centre. She's avoided seeing him until now, even though she and the colonel are incredibly close, she's been so caught up in Tony, Tony, Tony, she hasn't had a second to process anything else. Now seems to be a good moment to pull herself together and assess everything. She pushes the door open and briskly walks down the brightly lit chrome hallway, taking a left and halting to see a bulky figure in navy blue waiting for the elevator. She notices his bearded profile before he turns and she softly gasps.

"Pepper." Steve says gently. Pepper clears her throat. He looks different. Jagged in a way. His cold blonde locks have grown out wildly into a brownish blonde and he's sporting a shaggy beard. She finds herself spitefully thinking how it isn't his look when she shamefully remembers he probably didn't have time to shave.

"Steve. You look-" She starts.

"Terrible. I know." He says, mouth twisting up a bit. He reaches up to touch his beard. He looks wildly uncomfortable. Apocalypse aside, Pepper's chilly attitude bounces off of the walls around them. He shifts under Pepper's stare. "You know I had to do what I did, right? I'm really sorry."

Pepper knows exactly what he's referring to. Now could be a time to forgive, but not to forget.

"You know," She begins, her tone sure and firm, as though she's practiced this in her head a hundred times, which she has,"I'm not mad you fought. I get it. Politics can divide. But the lying I can't forget." Steve's eyes are downcast, but they snap up at her words, in preparation to defend his actions, but he seems to think better of it and looks down again. The elevator doors open with a ding. They both get in without a word.

He goes in to press the same floor as her. Fifteen. Around the third floor, Steve quietly speaks.

"I _am_ sorry, Pepper." His voice sounds slightly watery. Pepper bites her lip and looks up.

"I know." She says. Steve gazes at her with sympathy that she really doesn't want, because it'll envelope her and comfort her, but it will also knock her into reality. "I forgive you."

Pepper coughs, and takes another deep breath, feeling another wave of nausea hit her as she asks,"Do you know?About Tony?If-uh-if, he's safe?" She composes herself, crossing her arms around her. Steve looks apprehensive, as if really thinking hard about his answer. It does absolutely nothing to quell the ever-present panic that had reduced from a roar to a constant hum.

"We're finding out all we can. But,-"

Pepper's stomach lurches as the elevator halts at their floor. She stays in pace with Steve, matching his steps. "But there's a good chance he may have died too." She completes his sentence.

There it is, the elephant in the room. The words she's refused to acknowledge since this all happened. They're finally out. It feels shitty.

"We don't know that, Pepper." Steve says, trying to offer her some solace, backtracking on his own uncertainty. He's too polite sometimes and it just serves to rile up her temper. She manages to tamp it down though, as she simply excuses herself and marches into Rhodey's room. She waits to feel Captain's presence behind her, but it doesn't come. She turns to see him being intercepted by a blonde, willowy woman. The woman has her hand on his shoulder as she veers him away. He gives Pepper a sidelong glance before letting himself be led away. She takes in Rhodey's slumped and battered figure contrasting against the clean, bright room. It smells sterile and foreign, but for the first time in nearly a week, Pepper feels at ease. She gazes at one of her closest friends, in a mix of awe and sympathy. Time and time again, Tony's fought strong and extra terrestrial creatures as a goddamn hobby, constantly updating his knowledge and tech. Tony's always been, a genius, a super hero, someone recklessly willing to lay down his life for others. Though she'd never admit it, Tony's always been invincible in her eyes. Maybe that's why she's holding on to that delicate thread of hope. But Rhodey, he's always been cautious. And he may be of rank, but he's still only human. Yet, he took on a fight of such incredible power on the other side, she's plainly proud. And Pepper didn't think it was possible to respect him more. However, a part of her still wishes Tony were in an adjoining bed, next to his best friend, despite her pure relief at seeing Rhodey. Call it selfish love, or something. Thats how it is to love a manical genius who is currently up somewhere in space. Alive. Yes. Alive, definitely.

Rhodey stirs a bit before completely surfacing to consciousness. He blinks blearily at her figure at the door, and his hand trembles as he scrubs it across his face, and Pepper swears she's never seen him cry before. She rushes to his side, grasping his outstretched hand. Her own eyes grow a little watery again. The full force of their circumstances hits her like a ton of bricks. There was a fifty-fifty chance that either of them could have survived this.

"Pepper, you're, you're okay?"He says, not trusting his own eyes. Pepper nods and gives him a watery smile, gripping his hand a little tighter. "I mean, I've been in and out of consciousness since they got me here, I would've found out about you, but- "

"It's okay."

"How's Tony?" Rhodey asks, shifting on the bed to make room for her. Her hand goes slack in his and he winces subtly. It doesn't catch Pepper's attention.

"We don't know. I haven't been able to contact him."

"He's still-"

"Up in the big great galaxy? Yes, as far as we know."

"Pepper-" Rhodey says softly, eyes filled with the same look Steve had given her. Something in her snaps then and she grows a little annoyed. These people who Tony considers his friends aren't letting themselves mourn, instead searching for permission to do so by asking Pepper if _she's_ mourning instead.

"Spare me the sympathy, James, I'm a big girl."

"I'm aware."

Rhodey doesn't take the bait, and she feels a bit stupid. Tony would fight back, at least. She quietly shifts closer and slings her arm across his midsection by way of apology. Rhodey strokes her hair gently. Pepper shuts her eyes and lets herself find comfort in his presence. They stay like that for a while, two friends desperately praying to any higher power that they would trade their life for Tony's safety.

"It's okay to panic, you know." Rhodey murmurs, after what seems like an eternity. Pepper raises her head from his chest to look up at him.

"What?" She asks, looking at him quizzically, squinting partially because she hasn't slept in god knows how long.

"It's fine to be scared. For him. Being scared and upset, all that stuff, doesn't mean he won't come back home safe. It doesn't mean that you've accepted that he's not coming."

How does this man always manage to be some empathic, Pepper wonders, her jaw slack. She blinks at him, this time allowing the hot tears to make their way out. She cries quietly, finally letting the fear and pain she's felt all the while, consume her. But only for a while, Pepper promises herself, then she has to be strong, for herself and her sanity. And for Tony. Rhodey pulls her into a bear hug.

"Thank you." Pepper whispers, rubbing his back.

She leaves the embrace, feeling inconsequently lighter, despite the fact that she's openly sobbing. It just feels good to be able to embrace that fear. To miss him for just a second, before the moment ends and she has to pull herself together. It feels like an escape, to cry for the man she's loved for so many years. Who might be gone forever.

Pepper wipes her eyes with her hands. "This is ridiculous." She remarks, sniffing." He was gone longer when he was in captivity, I have absolutely no reason to bawl like a baby." Other than now being his fiancee.

"It's Tony, he'd love the drama."

Pepper chuckles despite everything, then glances at her delicate wrist watch. It's almost 9 pm.

"Oh god, I didn't realise the time, I have to get in touch with the mayor."

"What for?" Rhodey asks, sitting up as she gathers her purse and slips her shoes back on.

"Clean up. That ship caused damage over thirty blocks."

"That's not your job, Pep."

It kind of was now. Her skills had earned her a reputation over here, mostly through Tony's boasting, but still. She'd offered to help with the legal side of things. To keep her mind off things. But also because she's Pepper, and an ignorant bone does not reside in her body. She can't turn a blind eye when things go south.

"They're understaffed. I offered to help. I can't be a sitting duck through this, James. They may not be my responsibility, but if I can help, I'll help." She's confused as to why her tone is so defensive but Rhodey seems to read between the lines, and doesn't question her further. Pepper's rather upset with herself for taking out all her confusion and irritation on her friend, but Rhodes is nothing if not understanding. God, Tony knows how to unhinge her even when he's not even in the same biosphere as her. She goes in for another hug before making for the door. Rhodey kisses her forehead, a gentle brotherly action that tugs at her.

"I'll come by later. Hopefully with some updates." Pepper says from the doorway." Sleep well."

4 hours, three coffees and a power bar later, Pepper manages to plow through 97 emails regarding the clean up crew, whereabouts of the Avengers, and whether this catastrophic event was related to New York's attack in anyway. Well those weren't all, but skimming it over, it seemed to be the gist of everything. For some glorious reason however, Pepper feels calm. She stretches her arms over her head, feeling the pop in her shoulders. She pulls off her jacket, then realises she hasn't showered in almost a day. And she needs another coffee. But that's just going to have to wait, she thinks, as she opens the 98th email on the SHIELD mail address. She barely glances at it before her eyes start drooping. She closes her eyes for a second, letting the exhaustion swamp over her. It feels welcoming and delicious. _Maybe a short nap,_ Pepper thinks, but she never makes it to the couch, falling asleep with her head tucked between her folded arms, the cool glass of the table providing relief to her throbbing temple.

She dreams. Fitfully. Tony, floating, armour broken, eyes closed. In pain. Tony turning to ash. Tony kissing her in the park. Kissing her at home. Making her the world's worst omelet. Asking her to marry him. The overload of memories proves to be too much, jolting her from her sleep. Pepper glances at the clock next to her blearily, her eyes burning. 5 am. At least she slept through the night. Her neck twinges from sleeping awkwardly as she sits up straight. All of last night's work seems for naught, as the inbox seems to be over flooding again. Pepper is torn between attending to the rumble in her stomach or the frantic emails. Her stomach gripes in answer and Pepper decides the emails can wait, pushing herself up and away from the desk.

A quick trip home, a shower and a chicken salad do wonders for the pounding in her head and neck. Walking out of the apartment, she manages to catch a cab with such ease it frightens her. This is New York. Cabs aren't around willy nilly. The disappearance of half the planet will cause such events, though. Pepper ponders sadly, whether it'll always be like this. Living in a place that seems so normal, but has been affected by such destruction. She'll think about whenever she catches a cab, or when she never gets traffic on the freeway. When she's only third in line at Starbucks. The cab halts at security at the gate and she gets off and pays him, smiling gently. She's almost immediately blocked by the same blonde who veered Steve away that day. She has a gentle, kind face and it almost reminds her of Phil. Soft faces like these were not to be mistaken for innocent or nàive. These faces had face the toughest of challenges. The woman smiles at her.

"We have cars, Mrs Stark, you know. To escort you off of the perimeter safely."

Pepper promptly stops walking. The world slows down again as Pepper rubs her temple. She makes a choice then, the choice to accept. She can lash out and maintain hope, or -

"It's Miss Potts, actually." She corrects softly.

Accept fate.

He's gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Pepper visits Rhodey the next morning, sticking her hand holding a paper bag in before entering.

"I come bearing food."

Rhodey grins, settling his head back on the pillow." Thank god, if I had to eat another bowl of soup, I swear I was gonna clock someone, Pepper."

Pepper gives a fond chuckle, handing him the bag. She pulls off her black leather jacket and sets it on the chair neatly as Rhodey digs through the bag, finally digging out a chocolate muffin. He peels the wrapper and takes a humongous bite.

Pepper watches the whole ordeal with disdain. "Is this how all military men keep their health up?" She jests.

Rhodey huffs, mouth full. He's unable to speak for a full minute. Pepper uses that time to observe him. His wound is healing well, and the bruise around his eye is almost faded. The doctor says his knee is blown but with a shunt they can stabilise it. Not that there would be need, but Rhodey still had 10% of his nerve endings in his legs, and Pepper had insisted that he do the surgery, recovery would be painless anyway. Tony would snark that he's got no use for them other than being shapely. Rhodey would chuckle, and do it. Say what you will about Tony, but Rhodes valued Tony's opinion more than anyone else's, atleast for the past 10 years.

"Uh, it's carbs, Pepper, they're good for you."

She smirks, weakly though, her chest pangs. "You sound like Tony."

Rhodey only smiles a little, and goes back to devouring the muffin. Pepper shakes off the eerie feeling again, that feeling that crept up every time her brain retained she had a superhero in space. It doesn't go away though, and for the fifth time in three days, she has to suppress the urge to hurl. Unfortunately, that plan falls flat in two seconds, and she excuses herself to the bathroom again, wobbling. Rhodey's concerned eyes follow her. Her stomach empties its contents just as she sticks her head over the bowl. Tears fl`icker at the edge of her eyes, contravening her. She hasn't been able to keep so much as a latte down for the past day, the bouts of puking worsening. She evaluates her meal plan over the past few days, in which resided, a box of altoids, coffee and sandwich devoid of any nutrition. One might dub it the 'Tony Diet'. Still, he never got sick like this, but Pepper's willing to bet his stomach can handle more roughhousing than hers, if the past decade has been any preamble.

She comes out, feeling relieved, and yet confused. Rhodey beats her confusion to the punch though.

"What the hell?" He says, sitting up."You puked, again?"

Pepper gives a little groan as she sinks back into the armchair."I don't know what it is."

Maybe she does though, but ignorance is bliss, or whatever. She's been calculating, and she's worried. Pepper leans back and looks skyward, her eyelids sliding shut against her burning eyes. Her impromptu nap had led to an astir night. Nothing to do with her sleeping arrangements of course. SHIELD had lavish quarters, well furnished. But it was lonely, and the atmosphere felt withdrawn and cold. She'd spent the days she was here, upright and working, steadfastly rushing through the amassment of legal work. None whatsoever getting much needed rest. In fact, a nap sounded pretty damn good about-

"Pepper!"

"Huh?" She snorted awake. That was an embarrassing sound, very disgraceful. What was becoming of her? She feels warm and tired and, scrutinised under Rhodey's squint. It radiates a different kind of concern, one that's a little blind sided. Tony's is more of a knowing concern, for all his lack of social cues.

"When was the last time you ate? Or slept?" He inquires, and Pepper feels even more mortified now. She's always been a woman of impeccable self care, responsible. And now, here she was worrying herself sick over _nothing._ Tony wasn't coming home. But he wasn't dead. This was the conclusion she had decided to come to. Tony was stuck in a limbo. And so was her mind. She was in an unalterable state of grief, but she wouldn't _mourn._ She just would not. It was preposterous. She couldn't bring herself to do so. Every time Pepper came close to feeling the true weight of his disappearance, she would subconsciously file through all his past MIAs. Everything turned out fine before, right? Fact. And history tends to repeat itself. Fact. She fiddles idly with the ring on her finger, chewing her bottom lip.

"I'm late." Pepper blurts, pulling the ring off completely. So much for ignorance.

Rhodes rolls his eyes. "To what? Pepper, I swear you could be a minute late anywhere and you'd have an aneurysm-"

"No, James," Pepper says, slowly, pitching her voice low," I'm _late."_

He blinks, a look of panic washing over his face, when it settles, his eyes wide. He opens his mouth when Pepper hears abrupt steps.

Natasha enters, still fully suited up. Her uniform is ripped near the torso and thigh, but all her wounds, near her lip and cheek, are just pink scars. And she's platinum blonde. Did the woman ever look the same for more than a month? She's engulfed with nausea for just a second again when she glances at the depth of the gash on her inner thigh. This nausea definitely needs to be addressed. Rhodey notices her turn pale again, and his eyes soften. He reaches out and squeezes her shoulder. Pepper feels a little comforted. She makes the mental decision to go to the doctor on the 7th floor just as soon as she gets Rhodes sorted out for the evening with his new dose of medications. Natasha looks cold and subdued, her eyes hard. There's an empty look to them, and Pepper's heart thuds a little, she sees that look on Tony. He gets it whenever he talks about his parents, or when he recalls the time he let her fall into fire. She wants to comfort the double agent who has become a reluctant friend to her; Potts clan has always been the nurturing type, but she just can't envision Natasha responding to a tight hug. She doesn't suppose she could resort to the same tactics she uses with Tony. Natasha probably believes hugs are a waste of human contact.

"I've been up for two days. I can't- I couldn't, get in touch with anyone.'' Natasha speaks then, to no one in particular. She sounds even more monotone than usual. "Clint was off the grid, so to speak. I tried everything from morse code to sending a jet to his farmhouse."

She's still staring out the window, not a muscle moving or twitching.

"Nat." Pepper calls softly, urging Natasha to finally look at her. Natasha finally glances up, her mouth twisted in a way Pepper has come to learn means a delivery of some emotional blow. She blinks, eyes slightly red, but otherwise completely composed. Rhodey, who had been silent until now, exhales loudly.

"What happened, Romanoff?" He asks, in a rather resigned tone.

As Pepper sits at the edge of the chair, she notices the difference in their names for Natasha. Both signify a closeness to the agent, but being comrades in battle bring a different sense of familiarity than just gal pals does. Not that the woman has done anything remotely close to friendly with her, unlike Maria, she and Natasha were just used to each other. They were comfortable, and she thinks Natasha maybe trusts her a little now. Enough to be the tiniest bit honest with herself around her.

"There was dust."

Pepper sobs. Clint is flying in soon, to research, to fight. For his wife and child. Pepper sobs guiltily. She cries for Tony, for Clint, for Natasha, for herself. She feels wrung by guilt; it wasn't her loss to cry for. She barely registers being engulfed by someone's arms, that may or may not be small and petite, yet strong, and she cries harder. Natasha was closer to the Bartons than she'd been to her own family.

"I just-" Pepper tries to get out, waving her hands about in a vague gesture.

Natasha looks her in the eye, unblinkingly and clutches her shoulders so hard it hurts a little.

"I get it, Pepper. You don't have to feel guilty." She glances at Rhodey momentarily, a small, sad smirk coming to grace her hauntingly beautiful features, then looks back at her. Pepper had always secretly envied her looks. She's proud of her own pixie like features, but sometimes, in petty small moments, she wishes she had Natasha's bold lips, high cheekbones, and that dangerous smoulder.

"Sometimes we can't cry for the things we want to." She recites, as if it was a quote told to her, very long ago. She raises herself to full height and walks over to Rhodey's bedside, her hand slowly tracing over his knuckles. The agent bends down and whispers something in Rhodey's ear that makes his lips twitch. She turns around then, passing Pepper's confused stare breezily. The colonel pinkens under Pepper's scrutiny.

" _You_ , and _Natasha_?"

"Hey, lets talk about the real elephant in the room. The _baby_ elephant." Rhodey glares at her. Pepper flushes.

"I didn't leave it out of anything. I've just had, suspicions; is all." She says, trailing off uncomfortably, shrugging. The suspicions have manifested into much more with all the puking and the not getting her period and all that. There are 3 home pregnancy tests sitting in her room here, all unopened. They sat there, silently judging her for an hour, while her fingers hovered over the plastic coating of it. Finally, she'd hopped of the bed and on her way to get herself a scone. In line, she'd admonished herself for not thinking of James. Guilt ridden, the bag was then filled with goodies like chocolate muffins, a jam tart, and a chicken caesar roll.

"You've been overworking yourself, pushing your body and doing all this shit while you might be pregnant?" Rhodey barks, and Pepper flinches. Sometimes she forgets how protective he can get of her. They've been friends for almost 10 years now, and she still has a tendency to stop putting herself first when it comes to Tony. So while she takes care of Tony, Rhodey takes care of her. Its a funny little eco system they have. She thinks about how couples start to act and look alike after a while together.

"I dont want a goatee." She exclaims, out loud. Rhodey huffs.

"What the hell?"

Crap.

"James, I don't know what to do." She groans, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her palms, her posture hunched over. She straightens up and begins pacing around the room. There's silence for almost a full minute, the only sound the clicking of her boots across the tile, reminiscent of a ticking clock.

"I'm coming with you to see Dr Patel." Rhodey finally speaks up, his voice strict. He begins to push himself up, his hands shaking slightly as he puts pressure on them. Pepper rushes to his side to push him back down gently. He gives way easily.

"I have a pregnancy test with me." She says, her hand still braced against his back. She'd go to the doctor later.

Rhodey clucks his tongue, pushing enough energy to shove Pepper's hands off to plop himself into the nearest wheelchair.

"No way," He sounds a little winded, but Pepper keeps her mouth shut. "You need a full workup done. You haven't eaten well, and you're under a lot of stress. You should make sure everything's okay."

Pepper heaves a sigh. She could waste another two hours arguing, but what would the point anyway?

"Lets go." She says, in a resigned tone, wheeling Rhodey towards the elevator.

"So," Pepper begins, tapping her nail against the metal of the handle right near his ear. Rhodey flicks her finger.

"It's just a friends with benefits situation." He says, but his Adam's apple is bobbing. It's a classic tell.

"What about Bruce?" She has to ask. The scientist has been gone for quite a while, but the two had quite the thing going on before he went MIA. Now that Bruce was back, Pepper's worried their little 'friends with benefits' thing is going to end.

"I don't know." He shrugs, as they get onto the 7th floor. "If she wants to run back to him now, its none of my business."

"James."

"Don't worry about me Pep. I'm not about to get my heart broken. I knew what this was going in."

She's not so sure though. She saw the way Rhodes melted against Natasha's touch. He and Tony have the same 'never leave me' look. But it's not her place to interfere in matters of the heart. She learned her lesson when some dared to tell her 9 years ago that she was about to get her heart broken by Tony Stark. And here she was, getting her heart broken every second Tony doesn't come back. No one hates irony more than her.

They reach Dr Patels office, and Pepper stops.

"What's wrong?" Rhodey asks.

She takes a deep breath, clenching her fists. " Nothing. Lets go in."

Maybe everything would be fine.


End file.
